The Day I “Almost” Quit Pharmacy

Part One

The date was Friday, June 28, 2013. My family was ending our vacation, which had served as a respite for me to clear my mind. I had made a difficult decision to quit my position as a community pharmacist and co-owner of two independent pharmacies. As I contemplated what my future held, I realized my feelings of hopelessness & helplessness had consumed my daily thoughts—they had beaten me, won, and stolen my happiness, my joy, my sanity. It was time to admit my defeat and move on in a profession that at one time had provided me with much hope and enthusiasm. But not anymore. So, as I sat outside alone on an early Friday morning at our vacation rental, I finally made the decision—I was quitting my position as an owner of Towncrest Pharmacy. Instantly I felt relief. My decision had been made. 

My wife joined me outside and sat beside me. She knew the tremendous stress I had been under. She saw my anger and distress, felt my sadness, and witnessed my tears. She knew I was struggling with my decision—but said it was my decision to make and she would support me either way. I told her what I decided, and no words were spoken as she took my hand and held tightly, knowing this was a gut-wrenching decision for me, but realizing something had to give as I was spiraling into a state of deep despair. As we got up to go into the house she asked if I was going to tell our children about the decision. I said, “let’s enjoy our final day of vacation and later this evening I will announce my decision.”

My wife, Carol, and I have four children—and at that time their ages were Nicole 26, Stephanie 23, Aaron 19, and Abby 15. As we loaded into the minivan to go to the restaurant, I was doing my best to keep a straight face and not let the emotions of my decision show through—deep down I was sad even though I felt some relief that a decision had been made. We ate our main course and dessert had just been served—that is when I told everyone that I had an announcement to make. As the words came out of my mouth and my voice cracking—I told them that I could no longer fight the battles against the Pharmacy Benefit Managers or PBMs as they knew them. My children knew first-hand about my battles with PBMs, they watched with dismay the angst, worry, and frustration I was having daily trying to fight back. They watched their father - a person they believed was sturdy, strong, and invincible—break down as a vulnerable and hurting human being. They too were concerned for my mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing. As I finished my announcement, I asked each one of them for their thoughts. My two oldest daughters, who are very rationale and caring individuals agreed with my decision. They both told me they saw the burden that my fight with the PBMs was having on me, and it was time for me to move on and take care of myself. My youngest daughter who was the only one living in our house during this time—probably had the best view of my mental and emotional anguish—she was deeply concerned and agreed with my decision as well.

 At this point, I felt that my decision had been solidified—but in the corner of my eye I saw my son Aaron who was not saying a word—in fact—he had totally disengaged with the conversation. So, I asked him “What are your thoughts?” That is when the words he spoke struck something deep down inside of me which evoked a visceral reaction.  He said “Dad, you never quit anything, so why are you quitting now?” His words hit me like a jolt—as if someone had slapped me out of stupor. My mind was quickly processing his words and then it was a simple thought that entered my mind. He was right—I had never quit anything. Why was I contemplating quitting now? That night as I laid in bed processing my thoughts—it became clearer to me. By quitting I was admitting that the PBMs won; they were stealing my pharmacy away from me. I realized I had not done everything in my power to fight back and that I needed to take back control of my life. The PBMs not only were stealing my practice, but they were stealing my life, my happiness, and my reason for becoming a pharmacist. It was time for me to take it back! The next morning, we packed up the van, started back home and as we approached the interstate, I made an announcement that was about to change the course of my career—I was not quitting!!

Although I did not fully comprehend it at the time - nor fully appreciate the impact it was about to have on my life—that decision to take back control of my destiny was soon to make me whole again!